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Leave me alone already!

01/03/2014

I have a problem with people telling me to go back to work. You aren’t that sick, they say. You shouldn’t need welfare or medicaid, you shouldn’t be on social security, there’s nothing wrong with you. Of course I don’t have a broken back or something visible wrong with me, so they can’t see my pain. So I bury myself in guilt and go through another “adjustment” to my situation. Nobody is with me in my head, in my heart, but they think they know what’s best. I usually end up feeling like I have been beaten down again.

What they don’t know and probably are avoiding to know, is that I can’t wear this mask 24/7. I can’t keep my thoughts straight when I am surrounded by other people and I can’t put myself on a time clock to perform at will. I am not wired that way, and taking anti-depressants doesn’t help, in my case it makes it worse. It aggravates the problem and also makes me shake and stutter at a rate that its impossible to keep up with.

I’ve thought about trying to work online from home, but I can’t keep a deadline, or make a commitment to follow through, because I can’t schedule a breakdown of any proportion around someone else’s schedule. I have to stay home, I have to live my life this way, for right now, there is no magic elixir and its not going away. It all began in my childhood and over the years just kept growing. I have found peace by shutting out the unnecessary world. I go where I need to go and only for a limited time. I stick with people I know and that’s it. I can’t even maintain an online persona, there are times I just shut down and its a wait and see.

The problem for me is that I can wear the mask for a little while and keep up for a little while, but it doesn’t last and there is no guarantee I will come back from it. So that makes me want to shut out even more so I don’t have to hear the disapproval. Sometimes it is almost like they are jealous and act like I ‘wish’ to be ‘lazy’ but I did not choose this illness, it chose me. I do choose not to take the drugs that don’t help anyway.

One of the arguments they use is that there are a lot of high profile bipolar’s who are making it big…its true, there are, some of them actually get help from the drugs they take, or they self-medicate. Its not a one size fits all disease. Every case is different, and in my case I have other issues added to the mix.

So for me I have to be content with my circumstance right now, it is as it has to be. When something comes I will be the first to check it out. Until then, have some respect and try to understand without judgment. You really don’t know how hard it is and how much harder words like these make it for me.

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