The progression of sexual perversion.
I was taught about sex from the perverted beliefs of my father. Every day I was told that it was okay for him to touch me. That I was bad if I did not obey my father. That I was letting him down by not obeying. That I did not love him unless I did this. Even in physical pain I had to relent, I loved my Dad so much. He was my caregiver, the one I looked to for love and attention. He was all I had; there was no one else to cling to at that time in my life. I was beaten for not complying so I learned to say nothing. I was taught that it was happening to every daughter. I was taught it was normal. So much so that I didn’t even know it was wrong. I was thoroughly convinced I had to do it.
I never told anyone about it. I felt ashamed that it happened but I felt even deeper ashamed that somehow I let him down. I felt even more sad, depressed that I had to go to court and reveal it. I only went to court because it was blamed on my stepfather, who was innocent. I did not understand why if it was okay for him to do it, that he would not admit to it. I was compelled by the state social worker to go to court, in doing so I was subjected to a vaginal exam, to a lie detector test and an intense deposition process. I was completely humiliated in the courtroom. I was emotionally devastated that the jury, especially the women did not believe he had done this. I was asked questions and degraded for not keeping a record of how many times he had touched me. To me it wasn’t about how many times, just how it happened. Today it still bothers me that he denied it for 30 years.
I just could not accept his lying. It hurt more that he lied than that he did it. Even more painful was the ostracizing of my family. They would not believe it, they accused me of lying, and they could not allow a thought in their head that he could have done this. So, I was looked down on. I was rejected. It led me to believe they did not love me; they didn’t want me around. My being alive was a constant reminder. It hurt very much, but I had to talk about it. I couldn’t let it happen to another child. I had to protect the girls at all cost. The cost was their respect.
The only good thing about that is that they had to think about leaving their daughters alone with him. They had to be vigilant against it happening by other people. At that time it only occurred to me that, it was a man and a girl child. I had never heard about it happening with a male child. I had never heard of it happening with a mother molesting her son, let alone a daughter. I found out just 10 years ago that my mother had molested one of my brothers. That is his story to tell, but I have every suspicion that he wasn’t the only one. My sisters have their own story to tell as well.
In my family incest was also present, and it only caused more secrets. To this day it is a protected thing. It is however, relevant and I believe my siblings are vigilant even if they pretend that their children could never experience this.
His demands were that I had to wear bikinis, I had to be naked at the nudist camp, and I had to leave the bathroom door open when I took a bath. I was subjected to intimate photos, yes, and those kinds of close-ups. I was trained in about and with other paraphernalia. I was trained in menstruation and condoms before I was 13 years old. I had to look at his pornography so that I could pose correctly. I was physically subjected to comparison of myself and women who had given birth and girls who were virgins; even though he had taken mine he was adamant that I could never be alone with any other male.
I could never date. I was constantly accused of having sex at school. I was intimidated by all the boys at school. I felt I had a red letter on my chest and they could just tell that it had happened, not that he had done this but that I wasn’t a virgin any longer. I suddenly wasn’t good enough for a nice boy. I had to sleep wherever he decided. It infuriated him that I would sleep with the tightest pair of jeans I could find. It made him crazy that I would clamp my legs together so tightly that he would have to pry them apart. His coercion destroyed my confidence.
My daydreams of boys, the innocent young girl daydreams, were invaded. I used to write about what I felt, letters that were never sent of course. He found the letters and used them in the deposition and court to somehow prove that he wasn’t responsible. I seriously don’t know how his lawyer could go through the trial and say the things he did. I don’t know how anyone could destroy a child in such a way. There are children who lie, but in my case, there was physical evidence that he discredited.
The side-effects/affects of the abuse that occurred to me are common to all victims. I became self-destructive, promiscuous. It became the ultimate belief that no one could love me unless I had some form of sexual activity with him. It became a desire to judge others based on what I believed could attract me sexually, which of course meant I could get love and attention through it. The enormous amount of pornography in my father’s life, at his disposal, at my disposal, was pushed on me as acceptable, convoluted this. The nudity he demanded became a tragedy in how I would see and love my own body.
The open door bathing has lent me the inability to bathe without judging myself. I just cannot stand to look at myself naked. I only see that I have to hide it to protect myself. Now it is to protect myself from me. The most painful affect was the inability to enjoy sex within the confines of marriage. My body shuts down, I will feel aroused with kissing or touching, but as soon as intercourse begins its like, my body turns itself off. It was not appropriate for me to enjoy it. I was left feeling that way regardless. I still have hang-ups with that. I have never had completion because of this. He never said I couldn’t enjoy it. In fact, that was one of his most abusive ploys. He considered himself an expert and that I never enjoyed it destroyed his pride.
I have had a lifetime struggle with what I consider an addiction to pornography and constant surveillance of other’s bodies. One of the first novels I ever read was about a woman, actually a group of women and men who would go out at night to meet these people who were human in the daytime and lions at night. I was fascinated with this and apparently so was my mother because of how many books she had lying around with it in them. I am disgusted to no end that I allowed those thoughts to happen. That I ever entertained those thoughts and actions was tied to that.
How do they measure up, how sexy are they, how are they formed. I have a set idea of what is beautiful and what is not. The nudist camp did nothing to teach me that all bodies are beautiful or acceptable. I have had to unlearn this compulsion for judging over time. It is a constant battle to protect myself from pictures that allude to sex. I have to avoid skimpy clothing; I have to avoid just being in a swimsuit. If you find me on a beach somewhere I will not be in a two-piece swimsuit, even if everyone else, my own children are, my family is. You will most likely find me in shorts or the largest swimsuit available and some type of cover-up.
Some of the struggles I had in overcoming these behaviors were easy. The in depth sinful sexual perversions I was dependent and still am on a constant prayer vigil with the Holy Spirit, if it weren’t for the Spirit I would be a lost cause. Perhaps, looking back, I can see unlearning the need to act out physically my anger. In dealing with people who get on my nerves and dealing with punishment as a parent. I still have it in me to become full of rage.
It is because of this programming of my heart and mind that I believe other sexual perversions happen. I believe homosexuality is directly related to this abuse happening to a child. When any sexual intercourse happens to a child, it changes their perception of truth, of accountability, of trust, of self-worth/esteem and of a true family dynamic. Because of this, I have had my own sexual identity crisis.
It was never put in action, but it was easy to see it pornographically. When I had my daughters, it killed me to change their diapers. It was never that I would have done it and never that I could make myself. However, it was a constant reminder. The paranoia that ensued caused me to think I would become just like him. That I could move to a place that may turn into physical abuse, which also happened in my childhood, scared me so greatly that I did leave the house. The continued pressure against my sanity, the paranoia growing so quickly and strongly, set up a deep feeling of incompetency.
It amazes me that I could even begin to feel like I would be tempted to hurt my children. Because of the abuse I suffered, I never spanked my children. I never said words that were destructive. I encouraged them in every way possible. They heard and knew constantly everyday that they were beautiful, the most perfect gift of God. Yes, they were ornery, yes, they did things that were wrong, but they were all under 10 years old at the time and it was never like a teenager’s rebellion. It was never like a pre-teen rebellion, which can sometimes be harder to deal with. When the paranoia took over, I found myself angry, angrier than I had ever been. The anger added to the paranoia. It fueled my fear of being like Dad. I was on constant guard that I would lose it somehow. In the end, it nearly killed me to yell at Ben for spilling his milk. It was the straw that broke this camel’s back. It defined the paranoia, it convinced me I was too close to becoming him, and whether or not I was didn’t matter. With that realization, I feared I would become abusive in other ways. I left because I asked for help over and over again, when that help never came I removed myself from the family. Everyone is under the impression that I didn’t love my husband, that I had an affair, that I was a horrible person. If only they had listened.
It took a long time to overcome that. I talk about that in another post. For this post, I am trying to make you understand just how easy it becomes normal to do any kind of perversion. Just how hard it is to break the cycles.
I want to talk about marriage. I believe sex should wait. A young person deserves innocence. They deserve the chance to know their lovey before they commit to a sexual relationship. It is important to know beforehand whether you have the same beliefs on faith, on how to keep a home, on how to have an income. It is important to decide on how you will raise your children. In my case, it was very important to know how many children there would be. One of my father’s main criteria for all women was reproduction. A woman who didn’t reproduce wasn’t acceptable. The only good a woman had was to make children and obey their husband in all ways, especially in the bedroom. He also believed it was the father’s choice on how a child was disciplined and punished.
One of the hardest influences for me is mainstream media. There is absolutely no compulsion to be innocent. Perhaps the greatest of all evidence of the downfall is not the homosexuality, not the drug abuse, not the violence – it is simply that you cannot have an innocent kiss. Every kiss somehow leads to sex. Every kiss leads to sexual tension. There is no gentle peck on the cheek. There is no kiss on the lips that is good enough in itself present. If it doesn’t illicit the tension it doesn’t sell movies.
In the early days of television and movies, all they did was innocent kisses. It was very unrealistic in the idea that they didn’t sleep in the same bed. Even that was not a sexual thing it was a together thing. If you watch some older Lucy, Carol Burnett or even Dick Van Dyke you will see twin beds. Nevertheless, today it has gone too far.
Systematically, the idea that no relationship can be platonic is just sad. I believe that perpetuates immorality. Every move to the bed means some type of sexual act will happen. Soap operas introduced this behavior and have become the doorway to it being acceptable to commit adultery and covet someone else’s husband or boyfriend. It doesn’t even seem necessary to be married any more. The sanctity of marriage in most of mainstream television is gone. Not having a law that allows homosexuality kept some of this in check, today it is considered intolerant to not be allowed to be married and accepted as a homosexual.
If you don’t allow this behavior then you are not a caring person, you don’t care about their happiness. Truly, it is a misconception that you will only be happy if you are in this relationship. It has been twisted to imply that you cannot be yourself if you don’t allow immoral sexual feelings to be acceptable. What was once seen as intolerable behavior has become the only tolerable behavior to the point of belittling someone who doesn’t have this desire, someone who doesn’t condone or understand this behavior. Our own president has questioned trade agreements with countries that do not accept this behavior as natural.
I believe there are sometimes innocent thoughts about the same sex, but now it is perverted. Now it is that you have to be gay. In addition, if you aren’t gay you definitely are bi-sexual. Being bi-sexual, being gay leads to self doubt and loss of self identity making it an acceptable practice to have a sex change, and if not to that extreme then cross-dressing or being transgender. Whatever happened to loving yourself for who you are, as a woman or a man?
Now you are uncaring and un-loving if you don’t accept a person who has adopted this behavior. Because of this twist, many Christian churches are overlooking this sin. This behavior is a sin to God. It is a direct act against the natural order of all life. In the time, we have been on the earth animals have never evolved into this type of behavior. Again and again throughout history even recorded in the Bible the elevation of this behavior was achieved. It was only by a massive revival that it became unacceptable again. I believe it has always been practiced, but it goes back into the closet and it isn’t as rampant. Then slowly it begins to creep back in.
Another loss in the last 20 years is the esteemed value of truly close friendships between two boys or two girls. It used to be that you could be so tight that you wanted to spend all your time hanging out together. The boys would sit around and talk about girls, whether it was appropriate conversation or not it was natural for them to be on the same side. I believe the onset and acceptance of homosexuality corrupted that. It has made it wrong to not expect if you’re that close that you don’t have some sexual attraction to each other. Simply there is something wrong with you if you don’t have these thoughts. Society wants to reject that innocent behavior, by suggesting it has to be more than that.
I believe that is a major player in how a young person views their self. If you see it on television or in books enough times, you begin to believe it’s true. If it is happening to the characters on screen, it must be applicable to you. All of this leads society to corruption. It becomes so easy to accept other immoral acts in the door. Little by little, pornography came in, then homosexuality came in, and now pedophilia is knocking at the door. Already we hear of pornography happening to young children. Already we hear of violent pornography being introduced.
Now it has become very believable that a vampire or some other creature is better at performing sex. It has become that everyone wants a vampire in his or her love life and in his or her bed. This became an issue for young teens when the Twilight Series and the Vampire Diaries became an international hit. When fantasy becomes about a humanoid creature it becomes deceptive and controlling. Allowing it on a high profile basis begins to add the deception that you have to be one in order to fit in. Just like homosexuality if you don’t tolerate it, possibly act in it or accept it from others you are a non-conformist, you are less than Christian. Surely if you are a Christian you will love your neighbor and accept what they are doing is natural. This is a gross error and manipulation.
Watching vampires on television begins the acceptance of violence. You cannot be a vampire without sucking blood often at the expense of a life. The acceptance of violent horror films, even joking around about it such as the movie Scream, opens the door to it being reality and therefore acceptable. And, eventually normal. How many other perversions will we allow before society falls into utter degradation? There is a lot of pornography in which rape is considered allowable, acceptable. How much more approval of bestiality do you need than a thought of having a sexual relationship with a werewolf. Whether there are vampires or werewolves makes no difference.
There are consequences to this behavior. This time around, we all paid the price of it. HIV/AIDS struck all of mankind. It became a pandemic. The proportions have caused major changes in medical care. Billions of dollars that could have gone to understand and cure other diseases were spent on cleaning up this mess. Now that it’s finally getting under control I fear that the next plague will be more destructive. What is happening in our bodies that we haven’t discovered yet? AIDS was happening for decades before it was even identified. We have enough other pandemics because of foreign agents, bacteria, and chemical changes in health practices and food production and even vaccinations; that it will be impossible to fund any further research. Heart disease, cancer, influenza, the common cold, other sexually transmitted diseases, addictions are just a few places that those billions of dollars could have gone to cures or relief. The funds could have also gone to provisions to end hunger, to end pollution, and other problems. How great the loss of scientific research because so many scientists and researchers spent their time on this one predicament.
Another consequence that is ignored is the acceptance of abortion as a suitable choice when a pregnancy happens. When a pregnancy happens that isn’t planned or convenient, it is now acceptable to just go and have an abortion. Now that it has been accepted as okay, again the Christian is attacked for their denial of this perversion. Today it’s being forced upon families and people that don’t even get pregnant, that don’t believe in abortion, to pay for the ones who do. It is unacceptable to them that a “good” doctor will not be there to make sure it’s a healthy procedure, saying nothing for the life of the unborn. That is what it is considered, a surgery. The life of the unborn child is negligible in society’s eyes. Again, it has become internationally sponsored. If your society doesn’t allow it, it is somehow less human, less understanding of a woman’s rights. It is not a woman’s right, coloring your hair is a woman’s right. Ending a life is not a right and should not be acceptable for any reason. Especially in a child who has never endangered another person.
With the onslaught of major false religions like Islam, being allowed the freedom to exercise their beliefs at the expense of a person being raped, there will be no turning back. Laws will be created, patterns of behavior will become commonplace and I have no idea or even hope to have an idea what becomes of us after this. Another acceptable practice in the Islamic belief system is sex between man and animal. It is everywhere of course but this is a learned immoral practice. It is something they are known for, and have no compulsion of guilt about it – such as homosexuality is in society. It is curious to me that they are adamantly opposed to homosexuality but not bestiality.
It has been proven, scientifically, that there is no genetic link to homosexuality. There is no gene on the DNA strand for it. This is a learned behavior. As with all learned behavior, it has to be unlearned, and that takes patience, kindness, gentleness, and love. It takes all of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. That is why we must be close to God, living as holy as we can.
We must be there to lift each other up through the regular everyday trials and especially through these steps of unlearning. We need help from God to break addiction, and all believers are meant to be about the Father’s service. Some people are very good at helping addicts. I believe it could very well be that they are just listening to God so closely that they are compelled to be what that person needs. We all need to be supportive of the person going through any of these steps, but being supportive does not mean accepting that behavior.
I am not suggesting that every victim of abusive behavior will repeat the cycle. I am suggesting that we must recognize it as a possible outcome. We need to address this issue of sexual perversion. Our children deserve their innocence. They need friends of both sexes to grow up strong. It cannot be tolerated any longer. It is doing a great disservice to all mankind.