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Badgering the witness

05/05/2014

I have been going through a review of my life and faith for months. I just feel so-called to getting my life in line. I have been taking stock of the things I did that were less than Christian. Sins I committed, errors in judgment and flaws that need fixed. I got too caught up in that recently and began to feel like I was attacking myself. I have to accept that I did these things, but I also have to recount and accept that I did good things as well.

It is very easy for some people to sing their praises, but it is the opposite for me. I believe it has something to do with being abused, that makes counting the errors seem normal. Well I am rejecting that, I have counted enough now to know that I am thoroughly human. I can see why I needed Christ to make me worth anything at all.

Perhaps the greatest thing I have done in this life is, to come back. I know in my heart I fought dragons to come back from the paranoia. With Christ’s help, I slew the dragon of suicide. I have been healing my way through the abuse, through the tribulation of two husbands who weren’t there for me. I have been finding my way through the last 12 years on my own. I have had a few friends, who seemed to have their own agenda. I made it to today because Jesus has been beside me. I have Him to thank.

I am not spending hours in loneliness. For the most part, I don’t spend the day longing for someone to talk to. It is a mark of true healing, because as a young woman, I couldn’t stand to be alone more than a day. I had to be surrounded by others. I always had to be in someone’s business. Today is the first time in months that I will go spend time with my sister and her family. I have learned to like myself and my company.

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From → Faith, My Life

2 Comments
  1. I like to tell people that God is more interested in our future with him than in our past without him. That is the power of the cross for believers.

    • yes He does, but i don’t have a past without Him, i was just following my own path, He wouldn’t give up on me. He blessed me by pulling me back, i have been reminding myself to just do better, keep going, and keep doing better, there’s still work to do, and i am doing it, i am not shrinking away from it

      it’s sort of like i have been living, but not embracing the fullness of truth, and not living that fullness in action, now i want to live fully

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