Badgering the witness
I have been going through a review of my life and faith for months. I just feel so-called to getting my life in line. I have been taking stock of the things I did that were less than Christian. Sins I committed, errors in judgment and flaws that need fixed. I got too caught up in that recently and began to feel like I was attacking myself. I have to accept that I did these things, but I also have to recount and accept that I did good things as well.
It is very easy for some people to sing their praises, but it is the opposite for me. I believe it has something to do with being abused, that makes counting the errors seem normal. Well I am rejecting that, I have counted enough now to know that I am thoroughly human. I can see why I needed Christ to make me worth anything at all.
Perhaps the greatest thing I have done in this life is, to come back. I know in my heart I fought dragons to come back from the paranoia. With Christ’s help, I slew the dragon of suicide. I have been healing my way through the abuse, through the tribulation of two husbands who weren’t there for me. I have been finding my way through the last 12 years on my own. I have had a few friends, who seemed to have their own agenda. I made it to today because Jesus has been beside me. I have Him to thank.
I am not spending hours in loneliness. For the most part, I don’t spend the day longing for someone to talk to. It is a mark of true healing, because as a young woman, I couldn’t stand to be alone more than a day. I had to be surrounded by others. I always had to be in someone’s business. Today is the first time in months that I will go spend time with my sister and her family. I have learned to like myself and my company.