miracle: John 14
I was alone. I walked through the apartment. Bill was gone now, it was over, and the nightmare marriage was finally over. The kids were in their Dad’s custody. He had full custody; I gave it to him to protect them from me. So, even though I was feeling freer from the substantial stress and felt ready to be a full time parent again, it just does not work that way. God had plans, but I did not know them at the time. Now on my own, I was wondering how I could pay my bills, how I could even live, where I could live, and if I would have to leave Indiana and the kids. It would kill me to leave the kids; I just could not do that.
I began to feel surrounded by frustration. Sadness started washing over me in waves. Waves like the ocean, where there are a couple smaller ones, and then one giant one sweeps in and washes you completely under. I sat in my rocking chair. It was in the bedroom. One large bed, one rocking chair and a small table, that’s all that was in the bedroom. On the table were my Bibles. One was a parallel and one Living Bible. I picked up the parallel and tried to read from it but it was so hard to concentrate. I couldn’t get the sadness to dissipate it just wouldn’t go down. I read the same passage over and over and finally just gave up.
All this time, I was weeping bitterly and could barely see for the tears were in torrents. My heart hurt, I felt so alone, hopeless. How could God love me, know one else does. But even in all that I never stopped asking for Him to reveal the answers, I needed. Somewhere early in my life, deep inside of me was planted a seed that has never been taken and I cherish that seed. It has proven to be the one thing that brings me back from the bipolar spins.
I sat there crying uncontrollably for an hour at least, and then I asked God to show me He still loved me. For in that moment I felt true despair. I prayed to Him, that He would speak it in words that I could understand even while I was so upset. I prayed He would show me in His word, what I needed to hear. I prayed that it would be in Christ’s words. I was asking for God to speak to me from His own heart and mouth, so there could be no doubt that it came from Him. And then, I continued to cry, I just couldn’t stop the tears.
While I was rocking and weeping, I heard a voice behind me say, “John 14”. “Huh.” That’s what I said as I turned to look over my left shoulder. There was no one there, but it startled me a little. About 3 or 4 minutes later, I heard the voice again. It was a strong, but kind, masculine voice. I realized it was meant for me as an answer. I remember saying to myself, “I better listen this time, and it might not come again”. So I opened my Bible up to read the passage. The parallel doesn’t use red lettering, but also I still was not thinking clearly enough to sort out poetry. I picked up the Living Bible and it was red, almost the whole chapter was red. It was as if another giant wave hit me. It melted me. It was Christ’s word. It was His love. It was my answer.
“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14:1 Words that stole the tears of sadness and created tears of joy. My God had just answered my prayer in totality and love. He answered as I asked. He spoke to me. I felt lifted. I felt cherished. I felt overwhelmed. To this day, when I see that verse anywhere, it takes me back. It takes me back to that moment, but also to peace that He is with me. He is with us if we ask Him.
The words of His presence, His peace, His protection and a home with Him, resonated such a great compassing boon that I was somehow filled beyond measure with a sense of peace that would take me through the next months of change. And change happened, a move, Ben moved in, final divorce decree and my own independence. Thus began the age of the single woman and single parent. I wish I could say that I did everything in perfection, but I did nothing in perfection. God saw fit to hold onto my hand and never let go. Thank You Father, Thank You Jesus, and Thank You Holy Spirit. Whoever that voice was, I thank you also.