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seed: wisdom/experiences

Experiences are the knowledge that we forge into wisdom…everything that happens to us; what we say, we do, we hear, or take part of are accepted into us as positive or as negatives that we grow from.


blogpost 07-18-2014

God is not a genie

A lot of people have been asking questions about God lately. “Why did He do this?” “Why won’t He answer?” “Is He real?” “What does He want from me?” Even, “I asked, but He didn’t answer”. Of course, there is also the question about being homosexual.

All of this questioning means people are still searching which is great. It also leads to falseness. I feel they want to put God in a bottle or box and store Him away just for when they think they are in trouble. God is not a genie in a bottle. You cannot hide Him away. You cannot expect Him to be available only on your terms. YOU CANNOT DEFINE GOD.

He is just THERE, He just IS. The rules and commandments He gave so long ago define who He wants you to try to be. People were continually failing that, so He came Himself to help. He came; Jesus Christ came to be the bridge back to Him. He went one-step further and gave His Holy Spirit to us, to hold our hand as we cross over the bridge, and to keep us steady until the final hour. Earth will not be our final destination; we are being prepped for an eternity with the God of creation, the God of the universe and all other universes, and God of things we can never know in this lifetime.

I believe His answer to most questions is, “Hold on to Me, I am with you”. He answered many other questions when He gave His Word to us. Sometimes, the answer is simply wait and you will see.

blog update 6-30-2014

my blog will be relatively quiet while i am in illinois and indiana for the next 2 weeks. the flight was typical i suppose, did end up lugging a too-heavy duffle down the seemingly mile long hall of the atlanta airport. i did see one of my mom’s general hospital hunks, jonathan jackson who plays lucky spencer, yay for her.

sweet love

sweet eyes that sparkle

when they look at me


sweet smile that broadens

when my face you see


sweet arms that reach out

when my body is free


sweet man i love

when my heart will you be

Blog post 6-22-2014

Been reading a lot of people’s posts lately and I am struck by the darkness there. Anger, depression, fear. We have to let go of satan, he is the author of that. For myself, I know it is a matter of leaving off of the thinking about me all the time. My loss, my past, my sins, my, my, my…the result of that thinking is depression and feeling sorry for yourself. You will find when you turn from that, and start thinking of others, of helping others, lifting others up, etc. you find that fear starts to slip away, anger dislodges itself and you become free.

no one is home

no one is here

the house is empty, but me

the walls are shouting

the floor is reaching up to grab me

the ceiling is falling down

i wait for a friend to call

the phone never rings

i go out for a walk

but i cannot stand the sun

i return to my prison

it has become a welcome hovel

could i hope but for a moment

could i hope but for a moment

that when you look my way

you look at someone you like

you see in a special way


could i hope but for a moment

when you call out my name

it isn’t the first time you said it

you say it without shame


could i hope but for a moment

when you smile at me

that it comes from a deep warmth

a desire to more than you see


could i hope but for a moment

when you touch my skin

that everything within you tingles

your body shyly respondin’


could i hope but for a moment

that you want more of me

that for a second you were curious

maybe for a moment you wanted me

love one another

When I was going through my mental breakdown in 1996, I needed my Christian family and friends to hold my hands and ask me questions. In those moments, they should have been getting into the heart of my problems. They should have been asking why is she doing this and what is happening. Instead, they stood around with their mouths dropped open and ridiculed. They were no better than gossipmongers were.

How can you establish you are a Christian and not come to the rescue? They may not have changed anything, but they did not even try. My faith took a lot of hits during that short time period and I really needed those people, who I loved very much, to help.

If I tell you to get your life right, I mean to be there to help you anyway I can. We cannot leave our brothers and sisters behind for the devil to steal and torment. Jesus said to lay our lives down for one another.

John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

one thing

there is but one thing

one beautiful enchanting thing

that calls to me

one thing i have never known

one thing i long for

one thing in the morning

one thing in the night

one sweet kiss

one true promise


will it ever be

that i am the sweetest sunshine

that i am your heart’s true desire

that i come before everything else

that you want me at the end of the day

miracle: John 14

John 14

I was alone. I walked through the apartment. Bill was gone now, it was over, and the nightmare marriage was finally over. The kids were in their Dad’s custody. He had full custody; I gave it to him to protect them from me. So, even though I was feeling freer from the substantial stress and felt ready to be a full time parent again, it just does not work that way. God had plans, but I did not know them at the time. Now on my own, I was wondering how I could pay my bills, how I could even live, where I could live, and if I would have to leave Indiana and the kids. It would kill me to leave the kids; I just could not do that.

I began to feel surrounded by frustration. Sadness started washing over me in waves. Waves like the ocean, where there are a couple smaller ones, and then one giant one sweeps in and washes you completely under. I sat in my rocking chair. It was in the bedroom. One large bed, one rocking chair and a small table, that’s all that was in the bedroom. On the table were my Bibles. One was a parallel and one Living Bible. I picked up the parallel and tried to read from it but it was so hard to concentrate. I couldn’t get the sadness to dissipate it just wouldn’t go down. I read the same passage over and over and finally just gave up.

All this time, I was weeping bitterly and could barely see for the tears were in torrents. My heart hurt, I felt so alone, hopeless. How could God love me, know one else does. But even in all that I never stopped asking for Him to reveal the answers, I needed. Somewhere early in my life, deep inside of me was planted a seed that has never been taken and I cherish that seed. It has proven to be the one thing that brings me back from the bipolar spins.

I sat there crying uncontrollably for an hour at least, and then I asked God to show me He still loved me. For in that moment I felt true despair. I prayed to Him, that He would speak it in words that I could understand even while I was so upset. I prayed He would show me in His word, what I needed to hear. I prayed that it would be in Christ’s words. I was asking for God to speak to me from His own heart and mouth, so there could be no doubt that it came from Him. And then, I continued to cry, I just couldn’t stop the tears.

While I was rocking and weeping, I heard a voice behind me say, “John 14”. “Huh.” That’s what I said as I turned to look over my left shoulder. There was no one there, but it startled me a little. About 3 or 4 minutes later, I heard the voice again. It was a strong, but kind, masculine voice. I realized it was meant for me as an answer. I remember saying to myself, “I better listen this time, and it might not come again”. So I opened my Bible up to read the passage. The parallel doesn’t use red lettering, but also I still was not thinking clearly enough to sort out poetry. I picked up the Living Bible and it was red, almost the whole chapter was red. It was as if another giant wave hit me. It melted me. It was Christ’s word. It was His love. It was my answer.

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” John 14:1 Words that stole the tears of sadness and created tears of joy. My God had just answered my prayer in totality and love. He answered as I asked. He spoke to me. I felt lifted. I felt cherished. I felt overwhelmed. To this day, when I see that verse anywhere, it takes me back. It takes me back to that moment, but also to peace that He is with me. He is with us if we ask Him.

The words of His presence, His peace, His protection and a home with Him, resonated such a great compassing boon that I was somehow filled beyond measure with a sense of peace that would take me through the next months of change. And change happened, a move, Ben moved in, final divorce decree and my own independence. Thus began the age of the single woman and single parent. I wish I could say that I did everything in perfection, but I did nothing in perfection. God saw fit to hold onto my hand and never let go. Thank You Father, Thank You Jesus, and Thank You Holy Spirit. Whoever that voice was, I thank you also.

it’s time to forgive

when bad things happen, there are two sides to the story, and sometimes several more…people in my life are hanging on to lies that they heard from one side of the story. for over 20 years, this has got to end…forgive me for what you think i have done and could i just ask if you loved me why you wouldn’t ask for my side, that doesn’t sound like love to me. life is too short to hang on to bitterness and anger and i am willing to relieve you of that right now, i forgive you too

i doubt it

i doubt it all, then i see:

     the tree with a ring to count every year

     the flower whose petals count every tear


i don’t want to believe, then i see:

     the child with light dancing in her eyes

     the little red bird chirping with joy when he flies


i don’t want to know, then i see:

     a man saving all humankind’s life

     the Son of God coming in a cloud for His wife


i don’t want to be left behind, then i see:

     His hands reaching out to me, and He cries aloud

     His kingdom coming in the cloud


i want to be, now i see:

     saved by this man of galilee’s ground

     counted as one with the heaven bound


i want to know, and I see:

     the joy that spills in song, from my own lips

     the power the Lord has within His grips

The Age of the Earth

I keep coming back to this myself and now that the Blaze is all over the story of Pat Robertson telling his view and stirring up trouble amongst Christians about the time of creation, I would just like to give my opinion.

I used to be so sure that everything happened in 7 days, which I would defend it very strongly. Then I started to consider the things that are found in the earth, like relics, like mummies. Of course, that led to dinosaurs. I became confused and frustrated, how could I put all these things into the original picture.

My first husband and I talked about it and he said some people believe the 7 days of creation may have been periods of time. That makes sense, until you remember that God doesn’t change. What He said yesterday still goes today.

Then it just occurred to me, out of the blue. Adam was not a baby, he was never grown in the womb, and he was never a child. Eve was never grown in the womb either. If God could choose to make them already in progress, why not the earth? It is what makes sense to me. There would have been “yesterdays” that could have included the remembrance of dinosaurs, primitive species and other beings that He also created. The important thing to remember is that it was created, no matter how old it was, at the same time, during the 7 days of creation. However, this revelation does not suggest evolution of species. I do not believe there was any man, in God’s image, before Adam.

The story of creation is found in Genesis chapters 1-3.

seed: filthy jokes and talking

you think those “dirty” little jokes you post are clever and funny, they are not they are the footpath to utterly filthy, stop to think before you post something inappropriate, there are still young children watching over our shoulders, is that the legacy you want in their minds?

Colossians 3:8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.

miracle: pink

We had financial problems. Actually, we had spending problems. We just wouldn’t spend what was left over after the bills were paid, we spent the money allotted for the bills and then whined and excused our way out of paying them. I had a problem with not being able to say no to sales. I had no off-switch for child related purchases. Any purchase of that nature was naturally justified. My husbands had their own spending problems. As you can imagine, it got out of hand.

I remember praying repeatedly for financial help. I was desperate for help and healing of this, but not really ready to change. I recall the day, it was sunny and bright, and I had to go grocery shopping. I was praying about going back to work or doing something for more money, and I was praying about just making ends meet. I prayed for God to send us some money in the mail. Any amount would be fine, just a sign that He was in control of the situation. About an hour or so later, I modified my prayer because I felt selfish, I asked Him to put a penny in the box. I was thinking in my head that all things are possible with God. Sometimes it seems I have a great childlike mentality when I pray for a miracle.

I left for a couple hours to the grocery store, and my prayer was still heavy on my heart. “Lord, please say You are in control of our finances. Lord, please say You will help me pay the bills this month. Lord, please provide for us. Just a penny, something that says it’s a financial answer.” I began to feel, as if I had cheapened my faith by asking for money. Because, in my heart I knew we had money, we were just squandering it. So, I modified my prayer one more time. “Lord, if You are there and listening. I just need a sign. Put something pink in the box.” This prayer was probably about the time of delivery, so impossible to get something added in.

I got home, unloaded the groceries, and started for the mailbox. By the time I got to the box, the prayer had changed again. “Lord, forgive me for not trusting and for demanding a sign. I was wrong not to just trust You.” In the box were a large handful of bills and other mail, and a magazine. There was nothing pink, but I had said my prayer of repentance and it didn’t matter. I felt a sigh of resolve, its okay He loves us. About 10 feet from the box, I folded the magazine in half around the bills. The entire add on the back of the magazine was pink.

The pink ad was highly unusual. We had this subscription for almost a year and there had never been a pink ad, plus, it was around the time the subscription should have ended, so it was very unexpected.

I fell; I just fell to my knees. How can you not go down on your knees when God happens like that? I thanked Him, because He was with me still. From that, prayer came the beginning of a total fiscal stewardship change in me. Things we didn’t foresee happened, but on my side, the change was forever. I don’t spend money I don’t have. I don’t buy things I don’t need. I don’t buy things for my kids that I know they don’t need. It was hard to say no at first, it gets easier.

It took years, little habits falling away, one by one. First, not spending beyond the “left-over”; then, not buying excess when something was on sale; then, not spending other people’s money on things I really could live without; then, cutting out spending for my hobby. That last one will kill a budget.

Today, I am the one in charge of income and outflow. It’s still hard when a child needs something for school and I just don’t have the money. A couple times, I have asked for help. It is safe to assume with the in-laws during our hard times we probably would have been in a crisis. I am just thankful they were so lenient.

But, this is about ‘pink’. How many months in advance was God working on my answer? I never checked to see if my copy was the only one with a pink ad on the back. Think about how large a full-page ad is, and what that means as an answer I can never forget. Thank You Father. It would be awesome to know how the editor came to use the pink ad also. The simple and smart answer is God happened.